Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Worst 10 Things to do during Christmas

1. Don't donate anything less then a quarter to charities
Yes, I know that sounds stupid, but in reality, its a safety issue. when you walk out of a store, and you see one of those assholes ringing a bell, DO NOT walk up to them and put the change you got from your groceries into their bucket. They will look at you with the deepest sort of hatred imaginable, and if they happen to be in an especially pissy mood that day, they will not hesitate to rip your throat out of your neck. At this point (and I can tell you this from experience), the best method of escape is to duck down and pivot slightly to the left, and then tuck into a sideways roll. with any luck, you will dodge the swipe, and at the same time, you can reach out and grab the stupid bitches bell and throw it into the street. This should leave them stunned for long enough to make your escape.

2. Don't say "Happy Holidays"
What is it with this whole "happy holidays" thing anyway? Happy holidays what? It doesn't mean anything. Its just two unrelated words that can apparently be used together in a sentence. You don't see people walking around saying "turkey shit," because its stupid, and it makes absolutely no sense. neither does saying happy holidays. So don't do it. Its stupid.

3. Don't give people socks for a present
Nobody likes them. They're socks; They're stupid; They're pointless, and nobody wants them. Don't try to argue, you'll just get shot.

4. Don't take your kids to Christmas parties
The first thing that will happen, is you'll walk through the door, and the host will say "Oh good, you brought the kids! I'll show them to the "kids room" downstairs." Always downstairs. This is the most strategic place to put a "kids room," because it's small, out of the way, and no one will hear them scream. I've been in those "kids rooms." It's not pretty. The biggest, fattest kid iimmediately takes charge, and starts picking on the younger ones. That goes on for a while, until the fat bastard makes the fatal mistake of taking over the rocking horse. At this point, after the kids figure out that there are more of them then there are of him, they revolt, and attempt to overthrow the tyrant. He then retaliates by employing the next three or four eldest children to suppress any such rebellions. Now it is about 30 minutes into the party, and the social standings are set. There is the Fat tyrant, His brute squad, and then they're is the general public. From here, begins the roots of an underground. A small rebellion that is far to sophisticated to be crushed out by the brutes. A leader is secretly chosen and the smaller children begin to fight back from the inside. It begins with small attempts. Weakly organized raids on the kings stash of the best toys. once a few of the toys are recovered, the rebels have some leverage to recruit more freedom fighters to their cause. The group is silently growing, and the king is blissfully unaware of his problem. Now some slightly better organized attacks are staged. It begins with the turning of one of the kings brutes. The children will offer him toys if he should mutiny. After many attempts at persuasion, they are finally successful. Now they have a man on the inside. It is a strong foot-hold, and they decide to go for the kill. They launch a full-scale attack on the king, and he is defeated, leaving the kingdom to be ruled by the people. This is a state of anarchy, and is not something that is healthy to expose your children to, and so my point is brought home that it is a general bad idea to bring them along to your Christmas parties.

5. Do not put toothpaste in your kids stockings!
This is the worst thing you can possibly put in a stocking. You might as well just stare them straight in the face and say "fuck you!" It's cruel. Worse then giving them coal. If they recently killed their grandparents, okay; maybe they deserve it, but even then I don't think that it is justified. Thats that; no questions asked.

6. DO NOT make "old family recipes" for christmas dinner
The key word there is "family." As in only family, and no one else. Old family recipes tend to be dishes that the immediate family has been exposed to for generations, and as a result, they have developed a taste for something that no human should enjoy. I have seen people serve foods anywhere from pickled carrots dipped in raspberry sauce to mashed potatoes mixed with spinach and spam. These foods are not natural! Nobody likes them (although they are likely to pretend to), so just stick to the regular turkey dinner.

7. Home Made gifts are a great idea suck
Maybe the grandparents like them, but please dont try to tell me that you would rather have a six-year-old make you a gingerbread house then just have him buy you a silver necklace. Buy it, don't make it. End of story.

8. Stop trying to sell your kids this crap about Santa
Sure, if there 5 and they believe it, it's cute, but they'll figure it out someday, and when they do figure it out, just give it up. All your doing is pissing them off. They know it, You know it, so just shut up.

9. Getting thirteen presents is an ill omen
A little known fact, receiving exactly thirteen presents is the mark of Satan. It is a curse upon you and your family, so before you begin to open your gifts, it is a good idea to count them. If you should end up counting thirteen, it is socially acceptable to secretly buy yourself another gift and slip it under the tree. It is for you and everyone else's own good. Satan does not easily forgive mistakes.

10. Stop saying "X-mas"
Its not X-mas; its Christmas, The birth of Christ. He was born on the 25 day of December, which is why we celebrate Christmas at all. Nobody named "X" was born on the 25. We can at least do him the favor of saying his whole name. It doesn't take any longer either. X-mas and Christmas both have two sylables. It could also be argued that christmas is easier to say in general then X-mas. So they're you have it. Call it what it is; Christmas.

(Actually, it's a greek letter, the first one in the greek translation of christ. -- 14:30, 15 September 2008 (UTC))

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