Monday, January 5, 2009

Seven great investment tips for 2009



1) Buy McDonald’s. No, not company shares but actual burgers. House prices drop, shares hit record lows, banks and companies go bust. So, spend the last of your real money on a few megaburgers with extra fries. These fat deposits will be real and lasting and may be of some actual use, if our societies’ break-down will be complete and all the shops will have emptied.

2) Buy Obama doll factories. Things are bad; things are really bad, so people need hope. While Obama seems to have cornered that market, there’s no reason why you should not cash in on this phenomenon as well. Count on it: In the coming few months, those dolls will go faster than Michael Phelps, thrown in a swimming pool with a great white.

3) Buy needles. Obama is bound to let down all of those who have pinned their hopes on him. He’s a politician, remember: That’s what they do. So, investing in needles now will pay out in a few months’ time, when people will want to convert those Obama ‘hope’ dolls into Obama Voodoo dolls.

4) Buy polar bears. There’s not much you can do with grown-up polar bears but zoos will do bloody murder to get their hands on one of those cute Knuts One baby bear will at least treble the amount of yearly visitors to any zoo. Thanks to the melting of the ice-caps, polar bears will fast become a very endangered species, so their value will soon equal that of gold, pound by massive pound.

5) Buy the production rights to ‘The Satanic Verses: The Musical’. That’s one piece of entertainment that will need no marketing at all to reach a world wide audience of rabid fanatics. Success will be guaranteed, when news about its premiere will spread around the world like wildfire (or, most probably, like burning embassies…)

6) Buy cigarettes. Sure, they are expensive now but it can’t be long till most of the world’s governments will have outlawed smoking completely. Then, see what those cancer sticks will do on the black market. So, buy now; make a killing later!

7) Buy a towel - and keep it with you all the time. It will be the single, most massively useful investment you’ll ever make, because the way things are going now, you will really, really need the bloody thing.

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